Oh the poor organizers. The computer system broke down. We had new software this year for choosing reviewers. All evening we waited in line to get to a terminal and make our choices. The system would take our collective picks and spit out our individual schedules, instantly.
Except that it didn’t. The staff has been working all night to compile 160 individual review schedules, by hand. We will get them 15 minutes before the first review.
I woke up this morning with a concurrent sense of anxiety and dread. Not about computers though. About the Why and What For. I’ve been to what feels like a gazillion of these events, and have spent a lot of resources to do so. Without a lot of return. Back at the beginning of the decade, so much seemed possible. The work was well received. A book was happening. I was making some great contacts, and I was starting to get shows.
Then 9/11 happened. As they say, Everything Changed. My big New York debut was four months after, in lower Manhatten. There was no big splash, not a single photo sold. The gallery was gone by the end of the year.
My career and my fine art life were in suspension, then in slow rebuilding for years afterward. Even though I am showing a dramatic new body of work this round, I am anxious and uncertain. Nothing has happened yet, I have no data. Therefore my anxieties can run through my mind unimpeded.
I shared my state of mind with Robin. "I couldn’t face the crowd in the lobby. I had to run back to my room. I can’t do this yet."
"Oh, that must make you an introvert."
"And I don’t know why I’m here. Whats the point?"
"Oh yeah, grief and anxiety. You? Anxious? Big surprise!"
"That was fast. How’d you know?"
"I’m a trained professional. I know you. And I got you laughing. See, your affect has totally changed."
"And I know why your mother wants to hit you all the time."
"I just think it around her. But she knows I’m thinking it."
It’s 8:50. Maybe the schedules are out.
Latest update: the Reviews are delayed an hour, until 10am.
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